Over the past week I’ve been watching a lot of 80’s slasher movies. Honestly, none of them struck me as being really great films. But anyway I’ve seen, at the last count eighteen of them. Mostly sequels. As such I’m perfectly qualified to teach you all how to hit big on the movie scene by making your own. So here’s your handy cut out n keep guide on making it big in Hollywood.
Step one: Make your villain
This is an obvious step. And best of all it’s the quickest to do. Sit down for a while, thinking of things that scare you. Eventually you’ll end up with a good, original concept. I know I did. So here’s my villain, Prognisus. He sees wrongdoing and crime and employs stark vigilante justice, hiding behind his fake name to avoid linking himself to the murders. That’s a great concept. A slasher villain not motivated by hatred or childhood abuse, but he thinks that what he’s doing is right. Even though its murder.
BAD MOVIE MAKER. VERY BAD.
You can’t have interesting or original concepts in a slasher movie! The first thing wrong is that your villain can’t have a symbolic or meaningful name, it has to be one that is completely typical everyman name. So rather than prognisus, our main villain is called Dave.
Second thing wrong is that your villain cannot have an intriguing back-story that could make you think, it has to be one that you could comprehend even when completely unconscious. Or at the very least senselessly drunk. You get the idea. So Dave is now motivated by hatred of people. Just hatred. He just hates people for no reason. Think Jason Voorhees.
There should also be a gimmick to him. Jason has a sword and a hockey mask. Freddy has burn marks and finger knives. Leatherface has the chainsaw. Dave will have a large jaw. So large it almost touches his chest. His weapon is an axe. That was… effortless.
Step two: Make your main character
Your main character is a girl. A teenager. From an urban background. She parties a lot but is always the shyest one there. She must also be the smartest person in the whole village. Hmm. It appears I’ve left no room for you to do anything. Oh well that was quick I suppose. Onto the next one.
Step three: Your supporting cast
You always need a large supporting cast, because if you kill your main character at the start, well you’re pretty much screwed. I would say you need at least twenty of them, which isn’t an issue since all you need to do is go through a bunch of clichés in order. If you’re out of ideas, that’s not an issue either. All you need to do is watch one Roland Emmerich Film. Try Independence Day. What is also extremely important is that every woman must wear at least a D cup. Don’t worry this’ll come up later .Also, you have to develop them a little, give them whatever back story you want. Really it can be anything; you only have to refer to it once.
Step four: The storyline
This proceeds in much the same way as your villain, no originality and next to no concept. But there are a few important things you need to know about.
Number one: The murder scenes
These can go in one of two ways. If it’s a woman you want to kill, make sure you have a shower or sex scene first. No real reason for it but to get your money’s worth of those D cups. If it’s a man, well, its not important. Do whatever you want.
And in the sequels, at least one of the murder scenes must be a direct rip-off of the original. Almost direct. It must have none of what made the original scary or entertaining in any way.
Number two: Continuity
In a word, have none of it. Nothing can be the same between scenes, be it character attitudes, time of day, scenery, whatever. You name it. On a similar note, if your story makes sense, that’s not good. There must be, at the very least, eighteen plot holes per movie.
Number three: The ending
Your character (Dave), who has vanquished almost everybody in the neighbourhood, must be defeated by nothing more than the ingenuity of three teenagers, four max. Obviously these teenagers shouldn’t be the expensive ones with the large breasts, naturally it should be your main character, and two to three males. Of course you can also have your annoying best friend stereotype in place of one the males of course.
Whatever. Make sure by some bizarre stroke of luck your character is saved from the wrath of Dave, that he’s vanquished and he won’t trouble your main character again. Do anything. It doesn’t matter, he’s going to come back whatever in the sequels. Hell Jason has come back in so many stupid ways. There was one where he literally walked out of hell to… RULE CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE! AGAIN!
Well there we go there. Follow my steps and whatever you do you can’t loose. People love slasher movies. Friday the 13th has ten sequels. Nightmare on Elm Street has eleven. Hell they even teamed up for Freddy Vs. Jason. Man was that a purple pile of shit. But anyway maybe for next time I’ll write up Freak of Another Nature, Starring Dave to illustrate how easy all this is. Hell maybe I’ll even become the next Ronny Yu (what, you don’t know who he is?)
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