Normally when going to a party, I will not spend large amounts of time looking up what to do when I’m there. There is of course a very good reason for this. Nothing goes on at parties normally requires much thought.
This party however, was going to be different, I was going paintballing.
I wasn’t ever scared by the prospect, it sounded pretty fun. But I did always have slight bad feelings about what could happen. For instance, 2 of the people going were people I knew to be psychopathic. They were just as likely to shoot me as they were the enemy. This was unnerving, but nothing compared to the thoughts I was having about who the enemy might be. That started my research into getting good at paintballing. I was terrified that I would be up against a multiple army veteran that would just as gladly cut my head off with a meat cleaver as he would shoot me with a paintball.
As time grew on I was more worried. Most of the guides had a pretty large section on buying a gun. All the guns were priced at about £400. This really put me on edge, who spends £400 of their money on a paintball gun? Psychopaths. I had a very real chance of going up against someone will come along with a large knife in their back pocket, an RPG in their bag, and a nuclear bomb in the van. This really freaked me.
However when I arrived at the place this notion was dispelled instantly. We went to our designated shelter and saw our opposition: a party of 8 years olds.
This really pissed me off. The little kids would be so shit that the whole day would be boring. As I thought about organising a mutiny against the people on my team to liven things up, 2 other parties turned up. Both were made up of heavily built 20 year old males. This was scary. They looked like the sort of cleaver-wielding psychopaths that I was scared by in the beginning. Hell, one had a Taliban style towel wrapped around his head. Who does that? Terrorists. High school students versus the office of the martyr sadr. Yeah… This wasn’t going to end well.
That’s when one of the marshals turned up to tell us that the parties were going to be split into two, blue and green. This meant that half the midgets would be green, but so would half the terrorists. So that each team had people from both skill levels. Good idea. But in the way of these things, we were given the smallest, crappiest, youngest kids ever for our team. During speedball, one even stood right out in the open shooting at people. I fired above his head and he shat himself and ran for cover.
Getting ahead of myself. First event was barrels.
The premise is simple. Capture your opponents flag and don’t let yours get captured in the meantime. Good plan.
Me and my mate Amir decided to stay back and defend the flag. At the start it didn’t look too bad, we had plenty of the big guys with us as well. Yet as time wore on they buggered off and left us with the midgets.
Amir: Enemy on the right flank! Far Right!!
Midgets: Firing!
Next thing we know, there’s a guy behind us yelling “Surrender surrender!”. Guess which direction he came from.
Next was barrels V2, the first time I got shot.
Started out well. Me and Amir decided to stop being defenders and kill enemy. Good plan. We took cover by some barrels, and decided to move up. I covered Amir so he could move up to where he wanted. He got there fine. I checked my sides and it was clear, so I shouted for him to cover me. The reply I got was from behind me. He was hit.
This freaked me. There was some guy taking cover next to me, which was good. Except he got hit. I looked left and saw my other friend Nash near some other barrels. I yell to him I’m coming over and he covers me. As I get there he tells me he’s out of ammo. Completely. Rather than doing something useful like spotting for me, he walks off the pitch like he’s been hit. What an idiot.
Then the unimaginable happened. My gun stopped working, I had ammo and air, but it just died on me. Figuring I should do something constructive for this guy ahead of me like spotting, I decided to go to him.
The first sign something was wrong was the phut phut phut I heard ahead. The next sign was the MASSIVE FUCKING HEAD PAIN. As I moved about in pain, I was shot twice more in the knee and chest. This really hurts. I just held my arms up and stumbled out the field in agony. Don’t worry yourselves; I was fine ten minutes later.
Next was bunker. I don’t have enough space to say what happened during defence, mostly because it would be space and not very interesting.
However during attack some things did happen. I was with Amir, again, and we moved as a team. For about a meter. Then he ran off to some other random piece of cover leaving me on my own with Nash. This isn’t really a bad thing, but he has this aura around him that just makes things go wrong. Happily however, he was shot and got sent off the pitch. Somewhere in this Amir had also got shot, so did another one of my friends, Tom. They were yelling advice, none of which was useful because it was all “MOVE UP”.
Good idea guys. Except such was the level of incoming that I could only poke my head out about an inch before it was spotted and shot at.
For some reason this was when a smoke grenade was triggered.
Me: NOW YOU DECIDE TO START DOING SMOKE. NOW YOU DECIDE TO DO SOMETHING YOU FUCKING MONKEY’S ASS RINGS.
Nash/Tom/Amir: MOVE UP!!
I sprinted about 20 meters before I was shot at. Luckily the guy who was shooting at me was mentally disabled and about thirty shots missed me. Also I was right next to cover so I just ducked down there.
Me: Did you throw that smoke?
Random person next to me: nope. We’re pinned down.
Me: Idea’s?
Random: Keep heads down??
What a twat. I looked around and could only see leaves and mud. Although it probably didn’t help because my friends were insisting it was safe and that I could move up. After some carefully chosen swear words with them, I got back to thinking.
Me: Ok. Here’s the plan. I will throw these leaves in the opposite direction of where we’re running. We can use the mud to coat ourselves in leaf camouflage so we can blend in with the surrounding leaves and not be spotted.
Bastard next to me: How about this. I run left you run right
Me: Oh L. Let’s go on 3.
I ran right. As I ran I heard an “ARGH GOD MY FACE” from the left. I would like to think it was the twat next to me.
Well basically the situation right was nearly as good as the situation where I was. So I just was prone for the rest of the game.
Next big event was in the aforementioned speedball. I was doing a pretty good job of keeping the enemy pinned at the far end, when some fucking blue comes up to me and yells “SURRENDER!”. As is the way with these things, instead of raising my arms I shot him twice in the chest. This scared me because he appeared to be uninjured and then turned his gun on me. Remembering the safety speech, in which a guy was shot in the balls at point blank range and ended up with one testicle. I threw my gun far away and screamed SURRENDERED at the top of my voice. Turns out the guy was one my friends, Luke Trevan.
Nothing much else happened. Although I did save Amir’s life in “Castles”. He was sticking his head out to the side, and I said “Get in!” and just as he came in about 7 shots hit the floor where he just was.
Although I may not have put it right, it really was a fantastic day. Sorry how long it was.
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