I can't even think of a good title.

***NOTE***

I’m just saying for those couple of people who nagged me about posting, that I was so intent on getting this done for you that I wrote the first draft for this in the dentist waiting room on napkins from the water cooler. Trivia Ftw.

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Not long ago, as I was eating bread incidentally, I heard a large crunch in my mouth. Naturally, being a man, I head eaten some glass, so I should do something about it quick. Happily however my mum stepped in as I was wrapping my mouth in tissues. That makes as much sense to me now as it does to you.

Turns out it was a chipped tooth. At first I didn’t worry: there would be a dentist appointment next week, it didn’t hurt and all would be well.

However as time wore on I grew worried. Since I had flu at the time, I was terrified the 2 were part of some horrible disease, like Ebola. I didn’t think it would be much fun to wake up without something I liked, my liver for example.

No worries. Reality soon stepping in and I was fine. So (nearly a week later) I was off to the dentist.

At first I thought it would be run like any other business. People don’t spend years and thousands of pounds training to be a dentist and then ruin it all by being an asshole. First impressions of the practice didn’t dissuade this either, with blue carpets, cream wallpaper and strange old people on the reception desk.

So it was with a sense of mild confidence I went up the stairs to find Mrs Burgess.

Mrs is the wrong word. You could find more feminity in the Minotaur and many more manners in General Wolfe. Needless to say, my sense of hope wasn’t so much quashed as had a stake driven in its heart.

Mr Burgess: Ok Luke. I want you to sit in the chair.

Me: Ok ( D: )

M.B: Now. When was the last time you visited the dentist?

Me: Umm, a while ago

M.B: specifically. How long?

Me: At least 2 years

M.B: (Makes note)

At this stage I was close to just living with a hole in my tooth and running for the hills. However chief comrade burgess’s psychic abilities were rehearsed well, and did a very good job of securing me into the chair.

C.C.B: Luke. I want you to put this in your mouth.

Me: ….what?

C.C.B: Bite down hard.

Then she said “O.K! Leave the room!” to my dad and her assistant and left me with this thing in my mouth that seemed to have 20 corners and no flats. When she came back in she turned the sharp thing around and did the whole thing again.

Whatever. Turns out that it was an X-Ray to find out where it was in my mouth that needed fixing. She could have just asked, but hey, you’ve got to make it seem like you were at least turning up to class at medical school.

But no matter. This would all be well in the long run. They would put the filling in and all would be well.

Well then they set to work on my mouth. I’m not sure what they were doing; I just remember a load of noise and a lot of pain. But after 10 minutes I had my filling.

Just kidding! What I actually had was an antiseptic coating for the tooth. Think of it as a dentist’s wet wipe. The actual filling will be done in 9 days.

Yes that’s when I’m writing this. Those days are up and I’ve just had the operation. Here goes.

I go up the stairs to find commissionar B-urg sitting at her desk.

C.B: Luke, I want you to lie on the chair. Close your eyes. You may feel a slight tingle in your cheek.

Slight tingle my arse. She seemed to not so much give me an injection as stick a whole fucking sword in my face. Anyway when I felt her move away I opened my eyes… Just as she was approaching with a 20CM LONG METAL SYRINGE IN HER HAND! I just closed my eyes and prayed.

C.B: That’s it Luke. Go downstairs and wait for it to numb.

Me: urghhhh

I staggered downstairs (downshtairz) and just stared at the wall for ten minutes. Then I was summoned back up.

C.B: O.K Luke. I’m about to do the filling.

Me: How long is this going to take?

C.B: A while. (Hands me yellow goggles). You’ll need these.

Then she reaches under her desk and pulls out a full fucking face mask. The type a spetznaz might wear to quash unruly activity in the gulag. Then her and her assistant spent about 15 minutes drilling and suctioning my mouth. I truly understand why nine year olds have such a fear of such places.

Anyway, there’s only enough space to say that the numbing took about 4 hours to wear off, by which time I still couldn’t stop pronouncing physics as “Physhix”. Also I have to stick my food in a blender for about a day. Joy. Nothing spells the end of a perfect day than drinking spaghetti bolognaise out of a mug. Thank you dentist.