Harry Potter and the Capitalist Bastards Making us Pay Twice for One Film

Okay. I like Harry Potter. The books. The movies… not so much. Especially the 4^th one. Nevertheless, was I hyped up to see potter 7? Bet your ass I was. Here was the payoff for 6 movies of build-up. I had 2 thoughts. First, I was fucking there. Second, please don’t screw this up. It was okay… but I had problems with it. And here is the top 3 countdown.

3 – The waitress’ Terminator headphones moment

Easily the lowest point of The Terminator. A scene that’s impossible to watch without the sarcastic symphony of a thousand rimshots. So why did the director of the deathly hallows feel it necessary to rip it off so blatantly in his movie? Ah, the answer is obvious. While today’s average movie-goer would be happy to watch a televised autopsy, breaking up a wedding is a bit too much for them. “Whoa!” they say, as the disconcertingly named ‘death-eaters’ march into the burrow (what was that? You blew that up last movie for no reason? Shame) “that’s intense!”

So the director obviously turned to his writing crew and said “we need comic relief, guys!”

And so the writer just took a look at whatever happened to be in his hankie at the time and put it into the script. The casting crew, equally motivated, just pulled the bitch out the boring and pointless CBBC flop “the Mysti Show” (‘cos you know, kids need to be taught bad spelling) to be the scapegoat.

2 – Hermione’s Mind wiping

I can understand why Hermione has to wipe her parents mind – thank god for that lovely piece of exposition later in the film – but why do pictures of her vanish? Oh no, it’s not the whole picture, just her. By chance, her parents just so happened to be blank wall enthusiasts, so all turned out fine. But what about friends and neighbours who knew her?

Friend: So, How’s Hermione?

Parent: What the hell is a Hermione?

Friend: … your one and only child

Parent: we don’t have any children.

Friend: But … urm… ok. I have to go and… urmm

Parent: Are you okay?

Friend YES! DON’T KILL ME!

1 – Dobby’s death

GASP! The reader count-o-meter! It’s reaching critical levels!

I do not care. I must rip on this.

Without a doubt, this is the most contrived, the most pointless to the story, the most time wasting horseshit in the whole franchise.

What?! You may be saying. Have you no heart?! Well let me ask you this. Name 1 effect on the story of Dobby’s death. Take your time. Got anything? No, I didn’t get anything either. In the book and the film, nothing happens. They cry a bit, mourn a bit, drink a little and forget about him. And continue on with the movie.

Oh and the CGI. I couldn’t get the image of Dan Radcliffe, in a blue room, sobbing into a blue tissue box with a blue basketball stapled to one end.

That and the Zoidberg ad-libs.

“DOBBEH! NAOO! HE WAS WITH US AND NOW HE’S GAONN!”

“NAOO! CURSE YOU HELENA BONHAM CARTER AND YOUR FRUITFUL ACTING CAREER (SOBS)”

“DOBBEH!! WHERE WILL THE STORY GO NOW, WHERE!?!!?!!!?!!??!”

So yeah. It wasn’t a horrid death race of a movie, but it had some horrible bits. 

It was a lovely sunset in northern Pakistan, with cool rays of light illuminating the sand, and the whole land glittered. It was a beautiful night, and Samuel, a humble linen merchant, was celebrating the biggest deal of his career.

Samuel: Would you believe it! I’ve the contract for that new military base. This is wonderful; I’ll finally be able to get ahead in this harsh world J

Mia, Samuel’s wife: Well take care Sam, it is a military base after all, and under inspection tonight and everything. I don’t want anything to happen to you <3

Samuel: Ah, I know. But I’ve got to do this. We’ll be able to do so much more with this money, we can go to the mountains like you wanted, to see the sunset from up high in the winter J

Mia: I just want you to be safe <3. But I guess I am just being paranoid, good luck J

Samuel: Thank you J

Samuel knew his duty. He was a born true merchant, never taking a dishonest dollar and never raising his prices. So as he went towards the military base, he had that sense of pride he always had in his work. He was his own mascot, Arabic Santa. A long black beard and a joyous laugh, and linen as his signature dress. It had propelled him to status, and had now landed him this huge deal. As a present to the hard working soldiers, he decided to help them celebrate may day by dressing up.

Samuel: HO HO HO! Did somebody order some linen?!

Taraki, the guard: ARABIC SANTA! :D

Samuel: HO HO HO! Could you take me to mohammed?!

Taraki: :) Of course Santa J

So Samuel was taken to the waiting room. It was slightly less developed than the rest of the base, but still had the uplifting air of the rest of the base.

Taraki: Mohammed says you may wait in his chamber.

Samuel: HO HO HO! Merry Christmas!

Taraki: I love you Santa.

Samuel was a humble man, and so honoured to be allowed entry into the leader’s chamber. Mohammed’s wife was sitting on the bed putting her shoes on to go pick cherries in the nearby wood when Samuel came in.

Wife: SANTA!!!!!!!

Samuel: HO HO HO! And what do you want for Ramadan?!

But then.

Royal Marine: Holy Hell? Bin LADEN!!! OPEN FIRRRRREEEE!!!!!

Wife: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mohammed’s wife dived in front of the Samuel, but the marines took no notice! Samuel wept under the wife’s body as his last thoughts turned to his wife…

Tommy the Marine : Umm. I don’t think that’s bin laden.

Chester the Marine : Nonsense boi, look, he has the beard and everything.

Jimmy the Marine: Sir this beard is fake.

Chester: Oh… shit. Umm. Umm. Throw it in the sea.

Taraki: SANTA NOO!!!!!!!!!!

4 hours later

Obama: There is a 99.97% chance that the man we killed was Bin Laden. That will be all.