Unplanned, Unscripted and basically just angry rambling. Heres France and Libya

Here is my take on Libya.

Blah blah oil blah. Blah blah dictator blah. Blah blah end of the world blah. Blah blah US is dominate.

That pretty much sums up the entire thing. Although I do blame the French for starting the military intervention since they wouldn't shut up about it to the UN. I'm kinda looking forward to what France has to contribute, since their army's only tactic is to surrender unreservedly if the opponent is wielding anything more than a pointed stick.

"The Germans are coming! What do we do?"
"Hmmmm.We will build a Maginot line."
"But what if they go around the line???"
"They won't."
"Why?"


"... Because that would be cheating."

And France was fucked for 6 years under Hitler.

But the thing that I hate most about France's involvement is that in 2007 they signed a treaty TO GIVE THE FUCKING LIBYANS ADVANCED WEAPONRY.

WOW. Has the west learnt nothing? Example? In order to stop a soviet invasion of Afghanistan, President Ronald Reagen (an ex actor well known for his powerhouse performance in The Amazing Dr Clitterhouse) decided to arm the Mujahadeen rebels. Great idea, except the leader was FUCKING BIN LADEN. Then they were surprised when the muslim extremists starting CRASHING INTO THE WORLD TRADE CENTRE.

How can you make a mistake like that? America armed the Taliban and then had to blow their arses up 15 years later. You remember Saddam Hussein? Yeah! They armed him too! So why to the French think its a good idea to give fierce african dictators missiles?

Its a horrible horrible thought that the people in charge of us probably have a combined IQ that doesn't even break 3 digits. Thats every 195 countries in the world, their leaders IQ combined. The sad part is it might even be true.

Me Vs. The National Labour Party

On BBC news there are many claims that the number of students studying science has dropped. They say that unless something is done soon all hell will break loose because, quite simply, nobody will be inventing the next generation of technology that allows these people to sit in a chair all day and be fat.

At first I was cynical. I watch university challenge and honestly, I’m sick of hearing that Forbes is studying physics at some stupidly named university – like the completely unpronounceable madgelen (maud-lin) or the disconcertingly named Birmingham – every week. Plus my cousin ( www.mylifeisdaverage.tumblr.com ) might be doing geophysics at imperial. Many of his friends are doing sciences and so are many of mine. Hell, even I’m trying to do physics, so what’s going on?

There are many theories. Some say that due to Bobby’s crisps and 90210 teens are now just too stupid to qualify. Others point the finger at Beckham and Wooney, saying that they have stopped students looking for intellectual pursuits and are now exploiting new labour unemployment schemes to look for godforsaken careers at Barnsley FC.

They are all wrong.

Apart from a few, most people simply hate science. I have a loathing hatred against chemistry. At the moment we are studying water. In biology we’re looking at how a plant breathes, and once we’ve finished that we’ll be doing experiments on mouldy cheese. It’s also quite simple why people liked science fifteen years ago and hate now: Health and Safety.

Fifteen years ago Labour was not in power. Trade union leaders were starting to die and health and safety was as much a taboo as veal steak. As such, everybody sat on a spike.

However nowadays if any employer were to suggest such a thing, he would be fed to Mr Miliband’s tiger. And yes, I know that they’re not in power at the moment but they passed roughly 27 laws a day for 12 years, so they’re bound to have influence.

But Health and Safety. I did some research and found some online risk assessments by businesses. Here’s what a manager has to do now before opening his shop (or whatever).

1. Study manufacturer’s data and instruction sheets
2. Walk around workplace, noting hazards as seen on the HSE website and subsequent leaflets
3. Talk to the staff and retrain if needed
4. Study the accident book
5. Record who could be harmed and how by hazards
6. Compare existing precautions with those in the HSE guidelines
7. Set a H&S Manager
8. Have monthly meetings regarding H&S

To take this even further, I have done a risk assessment of my workplace (i.e. my desk) and have shockingly found the following:

1. My keyboard is not height adjustable
2. I have no wrist support
3. I do not have a mouse-hand rest
4. I do not have satisfactory back support
5. Worst of all, I do not… HAVE A NOTES HOLDER  D:

E...GAD! It appears the soaking wet hand of danger has swiped down upon the burning passion of… internet blogging! May the bucket of health and safety catch this horrible falling torrent of POTENTIAL INJURY!

Seriously though, these risk assessments are as pointless as they are phenomenal. Motor repair store: 5 pages. Office cleaner: 2 pages. Parking attendant: 2 pages. My favourite is the charity shop, 4 pages.

The crap in this one is absurd. While sorting donated stock, staff must wear protective gloves in case they hurt their hand on a sharp object (since we all donate knives to Oxfam). Before moving objects, the manager must train them in pulling and lifting. In fact, the manager has to do all 11 (with many sub-clauses) things on the risk assessment.

The training is worse with office work. Staff must be trained to “sit in the chair properly, so their back is supported. Staff must change position regularly.” “Staff must be trained in correct use of the keyboard.” And pricelessly: “Staff must be trained to adjust monitor brightness and blink regularly.” Staff must be trained to blink. Golden.

You get the picture. With each staff member being dragged away for training it’s a wonder we’re only in a recession.

Oh, I was talking about university placements. Err, fuck New Labour. 

Fight the Power, Bitch.

Normally when I write this I like to research the topic I’m writing about, and there’s a very good reason for this. If I write blind about something I will get yelled at by a suddenly over-passionate fan about how I got the back story of unnamed supporting character number 5 wrong. Last time I was shouted at for getting some vitally un-important character in Death Race wrong… somehow. So to avoid this mistake, I have done tonnes of research about this week’s topic: The Libyan Revolution.

You have no idea how achingly boring some politics can be. You’d think a story about mass rioting against a fierce African dictator would be awesome right? Images of John Conner kicking the living man shit out of Sam Worthington come to mind in this epic tale of Good vs. Evil that spawned Star Wars and Genesis of the Daleks. Well my research has even compassed “A Guide to International Relations. Third Revision by Chris Brown.” For all those people who thought War and Peace was a long-ass piece of crap had better think again. This book even made Darth Gadaffi seem boring.

I have even given Twitter my mobile number so that BBC news can alert me at any time of the day, anywhere, about breaking news events. Christ knows what twitter’s going to do with my phone number, sell it to a Nigerian burglar probably. But the important thing is the research. So what the hell if I get robbed in the small hours by a large black man with a kitchen knife.

In fact, after realising how past the (non existent mind you) deadline I was with these things, that I actually gave up a whole French supply lesson of uninterrupted sleep so that I could write this. It’s not easy because the bitch keeps coming to me asking me where my work is. So to keep this discreet I am writing this on the easy to hide disposable tissue. 12 of them actually, so if you’re reading this, you owe me fucking tissues. Lemon soft please. 30p a pack from Mothercare Wimbledon.

Hmm. It appears I have run out of space.

Next week: The Libyan Revolution