How to Gain Illegal Entry to the United Kingdom

I realised that its been a while since i last posted something, so i started to look around for a topic. I thought of reviewing the appalling animated movie Batman: Gotham Knight, but that didn’t turn out well. Then i thought of reviewing platoon, then the platoon NES game, but then i looked at BBC news and saw about an immigration cap on Britain. So for that polish person out there who is no longer able to serve me burgers, here is a handy guide to get into Britain.

1. Underside of the Eurostar

An extremely unattractive option. Not only are you likely to be sliced, electrocuted and crushed, but the travel entertainment is very limited. Although you will have unparalleled terror to entertain yourself while you hurtle along at 200mph tied to a train with gaffer tape, it hardly hold up to say, Ludo. However, it does have advantages. Like you will be able to tell all the other immigrants about how trains work during long, dull nights in the newsagent. Also, you will have absolutely no problem with waiting out for long periods. Which will be particularly useful when waiting in dark alleys for pedestrians. However, the biggest disadvantage is that at the end of the voyage, you will have to rip that gaffer tape off. Which is going to fucking kill if you put it anywhere hairy. Planning is key.

2. Stowing away on a Ferry

A very good option. Should you get past security, you are likely to have a very plesant jouney. And should you be able to afford a burger, the ones from P&O are very tasty, expecially with burger sauce. I’d also credit the view, and the comfort of the seats. But the biggest problem is the staff. Not personality wise, but they are likely to notice you are illegal, for a kickoff they have first hand experience. However take a day ferry and there is unlikely to be a lithunanian to stop you.

3. Make giant wings, jump off a tall building, and glide across the English Channel

Moving on.

4. Claim to be an international football player

Easily the best option. Just claim to be a reserve from one of the big teams and they might hardwire you some money to go business class. However, the biggest problem is that you do not look like a football player. But just try. You never know.

Well there you have it. Choose whichever option you want, sign up to a fast food franchise and make sure you give me a discount on the popcorn chicken snack box. Just don’t say it was me ;)