Fuck Gamestation

Today I wanted to buy a game, crackdown, a 15. Nothing wrong with that, but see what happened when I tried to buy it. Just a note, the following conversation is real. It is copied pretty much verbatim from what happened, although my memory might have fogged up the word ordering in some places nothing is made up. Let’s go.

Me: Hey, can I buy this please?

Store person (a 45 year old that looks suspiciously like a trout): Can I see some ID?

Me: I’m sorry I don’t have any, but I am 16

SP: well I can’t sell it to you

Me: so… do I look 14?

SP: well you don’t look 15. To me anyway.

Me: Wait a second, I have something. (Withdraws train card, with date I turn 16 with picture of me) I have this?

SP: I’m sorry I can’t accept this.

Me: Why not??

SP: It has got to have the holographic symbol. I need a passport or a drivers licence.

Me: well… I don’t have either of them, I’m 16.

SP: well you can get a citizenship card.

Me: what’s that?

SP: Well its £12 and you can use it as ID

Me: Right, what else can I do with it?

SP: well like I said it’s ID

Me: so right. If I were to pay £12 and give you two passport pictures you would permit me to but a £5 game.

SP: Well look. I can’t sell it to you without ID

Me: I’ve presented you with ID!

SP: Its not valid, it’s too easily forged.

Me: Why would I forge ID to make me 16? If I were going to go to the bother of forging myself an ID I would make myself 18 so I could do anything.

Trouty looking bitch: I can’t sell this to you without ID and that’s the end of it.

Me: ok then. Fine

Then, motivated by nothing but passionate burning hatred, I went around Epsom for an hour looking for somewhere else to spend my money. Nowhere had anything I wanted, so I ended up just buying a super frupacino from Starbucks.

But this gave me time to think about the future of the games industry. How can it make a profit while it encourages its customers to buy less? I’m not expert but I’m pretty certain that most people who play console games on a regular basis are under 21. So the only thing that makes me happy about today is the sure-fire knowledge that the people who made sure that I am unable to play an awesome game are going to royally fuck themselves in the year to come. And I WILL be there to laugh in the face of the trout faced bitch on closing day.

How to Gain Illegal Entry to the United Kingdom

I realised that its been a while since i last posted something, so i started to look around for a topic. I thought of reviewing the appalling animated movie Batman: Gotham Knight, but that didn’t turn out well. Then i thought of reviewing platoon, then the platoon NES game, but then i looked at BBC news and saw about an immigration cap on Britain. So for that polish person out there who is no longer able to serve me burgers, here is a handy guide to get into Britain.

1. Underside of the Eurostar

An extremely unattractive option. Not only are you likely to be sliced, electrocuted and crushed, but the travel entertainment is very limited. Although you will have unparalleled terror to entertain yourself while you hurtle along at 200mph tied to a train with gaffer tape, it hardly hold up to say, Ludo. However, it does have advantages. Like you will be able to tell all the other immigrants about how trains work during long, dull nights in the newsagent. Also, you will have absolutely no problem with waiting out for long periods. Which will be particularly useful when waiting in dark alleys for pedestrians. However, the biggest disadvantage is that at the end of the voyage, you will have to rip that gaffer tape off. Which is going to fucking kill if you put it anywhere hairy. Planning is key.

2. Stowing away on a Ferry

A very good option. Should you get past security, you are likely to have a very plesant jouney. And should you be able to afford a burger, the ones from P&O are very tasty, expecially with burger sauce. I’d also credit the view, and the comfort of the seats. But the biggest problem is the staff. Not personality wise, but they are likely to notice you are illegal, for a kickoff they have first hand experience. However take a day ferry and there is unlikely to be a lithunanian to stop you.

3. Make giant wings, jump off a tall building, and glide across the English Channel

Moving on.

4. Claim to be an international football player

Easily the best option. Just claim to be a reserve from one of the big teams and they might hardwire you some money to go business class. However, the biggest problem is that you do not look like a football player. But just try. You never know.

Well there you have it. Choose whichever option you want, sign up to a fast food franchise and make sure you give me a discount on the popcorn chicken snack box. Just don’t say it was me ;)

HEIL SWANSEA

Here is a house that looks like Hitler.

Bright Future for the Pointless

At the end of exams when there is nothing to do I play with my calculator (its more fun than checking the answers) and for a while now I have been interested in the Abs button in the top left corner. Because while it may be there, it doesn’t seem to do anything. I have tried many things, squares, cosines and division and none of them seem to be at all affected by the Abs button. So why is it there?

 However, today (i.e. last Thursday) I finally worked out what it does. It’s a very useful idea actually, if you press it and type a negative number in the box…. It takes away the minus sign.

Why does my calculator have a function for this? It’s not like I can change a number to positive once I’ve typed it because you have to press the button before you press the minus sign. But even there it would be stupid because it would take all of a second to retype the number. Or even better, just go back and delete the negative.

But this made me think about things that were equally pointless. What about the royally unsuccessful DVD rewinder? Or the amazing Q-Top cucumber cup for people too cool for food bags? My favourite of all the stupid, needless, incomprehensible items is the common tie.

Occasionally I wonder how some things in our world were created or discovered. Like milk for instance, or honey. Who thought it would be a good idea to stick their hand into the nest of a fast violent creature and eat its shit? It’s precisely this reason that I’m suspicious of heaven.

However the tie has always mystified me most of all. Who decided it would sophiscated and practical to fasten long strands of fabric around the neck? A murderer probably. But I have always been mystified about is how it managed to catch on.

You may say I’m nitpicking, and you’d be right. However I say I’m addressing a valid point, and since I’m writing this, I declare myself right. So here’s what I propose. If something has no seeable purpose it must be removed immediately. That way we’ll have less needless stuff crapping up our already over-complicated lives and most importantly, I wouldn’t have got a B in biology.